Dear ___________,
you are out there somewhere. I just don’t know who you are or what you are doing right now. Or maybe you are in the radius of my known acquaintances, but I don’t recognize you yet. Does one recognize one’s partner, shoho-dhormini? is there an element of recognition? I don’t know for sure, but I would like to believe, there’s some kind of resonance, some kind of anuronon once I find you. I am looking for you. I have written these letters so they find you or you find them.
why did i take this route? to be very frank, dealing with dating apps, matchmakers, relatives have begun to fill me with dismay. i have no judgments against them but they have an entirely different set of values than mine and the thought of spending my life with a marriage borne out of convenience or compromise feels extremely…well, dismal. to live a life of quiet despair, to have a banal life- i know that’s not what my life is supposed to be like. moreover, this is the only viable way I could think of to reach out to you. i know of no other way.
i have some beliefs and fears regarding marriage of that sort- that it’s like a chain into which i shall be bound (trapped) and then life will be about just trying to live up to spousal expectations, which will be mostly financial in nature. where is the spirit in this? where is the sign of life? i have seen very many people live that kind of married life. i just don’t need it, i don’t want it. moreover, externally imposed obligations never sat well with me. shadhin dayitto or self imposed sense of duty is one thing, externally imposed bound obligations is quite another.
i am looking for you because i have experienced different kinds of drama, except the really toxic/nasty ones. those i don’t want to experience. life is going around in circles now. everyday I am faced with the same questions of whether I should indulge in the old patterns of living or make a jump towards betterness. the old patterns are all worn out now. buying books, depressed walks, long walks, dying at work- all these patterns have become outmoded and I have chosen not to experience them anymore. so i am stuck here, without a direction to move forward to. i am hoping your presence will increase the dimension of my living.
i have had a dream a few days ago where i saw something similar symbolically shown to me. i was supposed to go to a rooftop but instead of actively finding my way to an elevator, i kept wandering here and there, seeing sights, observing things, getting distracted by this and that, until finally i found the way. as I woke up i felt the dream correctly showed what i am doing in reality.
after reading circle ended, i went to Aziz market to browse books. went to kothaprokash. they import original books from Calcutta. asked them if they could find the purana i ordered- i had ordered Brahmavaivarta Purana a few months ago. Some elderly men were sitting there discussing books, had a little chat with them about purana but returned empty handed when they told me the book wasn’t available.
Went to Prothoma. Pathok Shomabesh. Baatighar. Browsed books. Almost bought all 11 volumes of Mujtaba Ali’s collected works but in the end didn’t. Didn’t feel like repeating the pattern. Also, recently bought Tagore’s collected works, so resisted the impulse. I barely have time to read these days.
Returned home on a bike. The biker was concerned and heartbroken with the country’s current political situation. I listened to him.
I am aware that writing thus invites a lot of reactions from a lot of people but i feel no fear. I am also wondering how will you recognize me by reading these letters? Am I really seriously looking for you? I am asking myself that question constantly. I am.